You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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