Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have grass duct taped all over my body
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
