11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
