I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
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If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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