Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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