so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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