The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
