So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It's Friday. Sex?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
