By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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