Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
