R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
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Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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