Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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