I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
