Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
