Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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