FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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