I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
