Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
