finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
