the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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