i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
