I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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