I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
