So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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