My sheets look like a crime scene.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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