I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
