I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
