Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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