Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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