I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
