I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
