I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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