Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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