I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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