I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
