I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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