I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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