I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
