She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
