My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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