Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
