The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
