the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
