i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
