someone threw a dead crab at me
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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