Christians are straight up FREAKS
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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