new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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