I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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