im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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