I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
