why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
