You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
