I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
