Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
