fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
