Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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