Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
