I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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