I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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