shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
